You are tuned into the thoughts of The Guru, a guide for the unknowing through the mysteries of greyhound racing.
Tonight’s big SKY meeting comes from the Europe’s greenest city Sheffield. (It’s all about the trees, apparently, no wonder dogs love the place.)
The ‘Steel City’ is also home to The Arctic Monkeys, Sean Bean, The Full Monty and Owlerton Stadium.
There are eight televised races and top of the bill is the Bresmed Northern Sprint. . . but more of that later.
7-11 First (televised) race – 480m hurdles (a lap and a bit including five jumps)
The first event is over the hurdles and the star is one of the sport’s glamour boys – Razldazl Raidio, running in the striped jacket of trap six. Raidio is the Ed Moses of hurdle racing. (You must remember him, big black guy, always ran in sunglasses, and was normally in the shower before the others finished. Ask your dad!) Raidio and Ed would have plenty in common – though not the shades.
But do you want to risk your crisp fiver for roughly a £1 profit – on the chance that Raidio can make it 27 wins from 39 races? Even the mighty Ed had an off-night
There are certainly much big odds about the other five runners. The best of the locals is probably Swift Sam (trap two, blue jacket) who will probably start at about 20-1. Tempted?
Or if you are feeling really brave – or just a bit cocky – you might want to pick the first and second (correct order) in a forecast?
7-26 Second race – 500m flat (just over a lap, with a longer run to the first bend than the first race – but no jumps!)
The second race is for pups – no not the sort in pink ribbons on a chocolate box – more your headstrong teenagers. Like most adolescents, the pups can be a bit unreliable, though this lot are less likely to throw a strop or prang your car!
There are three local lads in the line-up and the most fancied, and experienced will be Geelo Monty (T5 orange). He has eight wins already including a big final though he would prefer to be drawn in one of the lower number traps closer to the inside rail.
The big danger is the hefty lump in trap one – Bruisers Bullet. He weighs in at around 37kg and could take anyone’s dinner money including the teacher’s. He has only raced twice, but he is a bit special. If Bruiser was a footballer, Pep Guardiola would probably want to sign him.
Looking to defy the formbook and let fate decide? How about Dorotas Vic in trap six (an omen for anyone called Vic), or Droopys Podge in trap two (for anyone about to order a takeaway)?
7-43 Third race – 660m flat (roughly a lap and a half)
Our first stayers event and the return of local heroine Geelo Sapphire. If there was a canine Jessica Ennis-Hill, Sapphire would probably be her. The pretty little blue in the red jacket won a £10,000 race on this track less than a month ago, and will have all the locals cheering her on.
But this is far from an exhibition lap of honour (or even a lap and a half) for Jessica Ennis-Sapphire. The opposition includes Swift Hansel (T3) who was runner-up in that £10,000 final, and will be looking for revenge.
Nor should you rule out Barnside Chloe (T2) and her kennelmate Mexican Peso (T5). It isn’t so long ago that they both would have been unbeatable on their home patch. They would love nothing more than taking down Jessica, who is way too lovely to be a champion.
This promises to be a thriller.
7.59 Fourth race – 500m flat (another just over a lap and a bit)
This is another junior’s race including two kids effectively having their first day at school, Droopys Asia (T5) and Brockdale Billy (T6). Neither has raced before, there will be lots of lights and noise and, well you can imagine. . . .
So who does that leave?
Dorotas Hooligan (T1) is very fast, from the best litter of the year and trained by the most successful greyhound trainer ever, Charlie Lister OBE. The bookmakers have him in the ‘can’t get beat’ category so rule him out at your peril.
Swift Melampe (T2) is the most experienced in the field (18 races) and is capable of leading all the way. Early Mist (T3) would probably be labelled as ‘talented local girl’ who is more than capable of beating most of the boys.
Not sure she can cope with the Hooligan though.
8-16 Fifth race – 500m flat (another just over a lap and a bit)
Now this is a race where your lucky pin might prove just as valuable as a form guide. The bookies can’t make up their mind who is going to come out on top with traps 3-1-2-6 all fancied with Candlelight Fire (T3) just edging it.
Yorkshire born and bred Candlelight Fire (T3), has won five of his last six times he has been to this particular set of traps and will have plenty of supporters.
But remember that final mentioned earlier, with Geelo ‘Jennifer’ Sapphire? Well there were plenty who thought Ballymac Ramsey (T1) would win the £10K that night. He is back to his preferred distance and may even start as favourite.
But before you assume that the two Tykes will have it their own way, it might pay to look back to last September and the final of the the Steel City Cup.
It was won by the Geordie raider Pinpoint Den (T6 tonight) with Tynwald Baz (T2 tonight) in second.
8-33 Sixth race – 720m flat (starting at the start of the far side, with a lap and a half to run)
The night’s longest distance event is over 720 metres, though Ribble Atom (T1) would probably prefer to take them on an extra lap. In betting terms, her big opposition is the well named Slick Sebastian (T6).
He is a ‘lead from the front, catch me if you can’ kind of guy who didn’t get much of a look-in on his last visit to the track. But he can run a bit.
As for the others, well most are in unknown territory. Rather like some of those London marathon performers who set off like Mo Farrah and quickly discover they should have taken a taxi.
If you are someone who spends a couple of pounds on lottery ticket each week then Airforce Joe could be your boy. He has four wins from 44 races, hasn’t won in the last 16 races and has never raced this far before.
At 20-1 – could it be you?
8-51 Seventh race – 500m flat (another just over a lap and a bit)
The penultimate race is one for the girls only and we have a fine array of talent on display.
The star is undoubtedly Droopys Live (T2) who is greyhound terms is the hottest female since Beyonce. Live has only had 12 races but has won seven of them and is expected to be a superstar when she is a little older. But don’t expect to get big odds for your money.
If anyone can give her a run, turn to Deirdre, or Ballymac Deirdre to give her a full title. She is a stylish blue in an orange jacket (T5) and if she comes out of the traps in her best style, even the talented Live will struggle to catch her.
We have blues, brindles and blacks represented here. But if fawn is your colour, and who doesn’t love a fawn, then Heroic Miss (T4) could be your girl, and likely to start at around 20-1.
9-09 Eighth race – 280m flat (just over half a lap)
The big one. The final of the Bresmed Northern Sprint and six of the fastest sprinters in training. These boys and girls will run the 280 metres in around 16 seconds, which is roughly twice as fast as Usain might manage it.
Incredibly, among the specialist ‘two benders’ is one runner who, theoretically, shouldn’t even be here.
Hiya Butt reached last year’s English Derby Final which is staged over 480 metres. But he is so exceptional that he will be taking on five specialist sprinters over the much shorter distance. It is a bit like the Olympic 400 metre champion running in the 100 metres decider.
What’s more, Butt – a big handsome black in the white jacket of trap three – and will almost certainly start favourite for the £8,000 first prize.
He will start at a fraction under even money, meaning you would not quite double your money if you were to back him (and he were to win!).
You can probably get at least 5-1 about any other runner in the field and possibly as much as 12-1 about Bryoffa Jasmin,
Or you could bet your eyebrows. Mashmad Eyebrows (wait until you see her, she is quite distinctive) runs from trap one and is likely to start at odds of around 10-1.
